A Happy Crystal Heart
by WolvenSamurai
Summary: Tasha is back again with an all new story! Lost in the complexes of the soul society, the strange actions of her Captains and the mysterious disappearances of her squad mates, can Tasha find the strength to keep going? Rated M-Ma for future content.
1. How to start a day

A Happy Crystal Heart

Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I.. Don't own Bleach. I have real Bleach, but not this anime/manga. Poor me, right? _

_Hi! This is my new story! It started out as a role play and turned into this! It's a collaboration with another author who posts on adultfanfiction. Tasha's back again, and this time its with a whole new set of strange people. I hope you like this as much as my other one! Enjoy!_

I wasn't quite sure how I got here, but this was defiantly not something I needed to see in the morning. I was standing in the doorway of the room of my fellow squad member, Tabi, wishing I wasn't. There she was, lying splayed on the floor with nothing but a captain's robe over her. The robe belonged to our captain, Hitsugaya Toushirou, who happened to be there as well. He was standing over her, tugging at the bottom of the robe in what seemed to be annoyance.

"Hey, come on and get dressed! We have a meeting to get to!" Hitsugaya grumbled, placing his hand upon his hip. I sighed, already knowing what was going to happen. Our squad had been nominated to set up for a meeting between all of the squads. Rather, it was forced work, but the captain still took it seriously for some reason.

"How can I get dressed? You cut off all of my cloths last night!" I really couldn't believe that Tabi had just uttered those words. I knew she was in a relationship with Captain Hitsugaya, but that didn't mean I needed to hear about it.

"Hey, it's not my fault that _you_ wouldn't take them _off_." I placed a hand to my head, and sighed loudly.

"Well damn it you didn't give me time!"

"Just give me my captain's robe!"

"Then what am I supposed to wear?" Just as my head was starting to hurt, there was a deep voice behind me.

"Personal relationships between Captains and their subordinates are highly frowned upon." I nearly jumped out of my skin as I turned to see Captain Byakuya Kuchiki standing only inches behind me. Hitsugaya and Tabi looked up from their argument, just now noticing that I was standing there.

"Tasha? Captain Kuchiki? When did you get there?" Tabi asked, cocking her head.

"I've been here the entire time…." Both Captain Kuchiki and I said in unison. I froze, and looked up at him for a moment in confusion.

"When did you get here?" I asked. I was curious, because I had looked behind me several times during this embarrassing conversation, and hadn't seen a soul.

"I was here before you were." _What the hell?!_ I thought in frustration. How had he been there the entire time without me noticing? "Now, if you two fools are finished embarrassing yourselves with your door wide open, I believe you have something to do. You are exactly 30 seconds late for set up." The three of us frowned to ourselves as Captain Kuchiki reminded us of the job ahead of us. _Ugh. I'm seriously going to hate set up…_ I wasn't looking forward to this at all, and was quite surprised by the words that next came out of Byakuya's mouth. "Now, come with me Tasha-chan." I blinked. I was the fifth seat in Hitsugaya's squad. Why was I going with him?

"Oh! Tasha. I forgot to tell you, you were transferred! Good luck with that!" I turned to glower at Hitsugaya as soon as those words left his lips.

"And _why_ didn't you tell me?" He just gave me a smile.

"I just forgot. You don't have to get so mad over it!" I huffed. This was simply ridiculous. How could he forget something that important? That's when something else caught my attention. Had Captain Kuchiki just called me "chan"? He couldn't have, could he? As I moved to follow my new Captain, I noticed Tabi and Hitsugaya doing a strange sort of tug-of-war with his robe. I placed a hand to my head, shaking it as I continued on.

"Those two are hopeless…" I muttered.

"Indeed." Captain Kuchiki mumbled in reply. I watched him for a few moments before I gathered the courage to speak.

"Ah, Captain? Did you call me chan earlier…?" He stopped abruptly, and I almost ran straight into him.

"What I call you has nothing to do with you." I stared at him blankly. How did that not have anything to do with me? He started to walk again and my feet moved on their own, keeping me only a few feet behind him.

"Captain?"

"_Yes_?" He sounded irritated that I was calling him for the second time in a row.

"Do you hate me already?" He stopped even faster then he had before.

"No of course he doesn't hate you! How could he hate you after requesting your transfer?" I jumped, looking behind me to see Tabi, fully dressed and grinning.

"How did you get behind me?!" She laughed as she leaned against my shoulders.

"I was behind you the entire time." _Why does everyone say that?!_ I thought in annoyance, raising a brow at her. "So, you'll like this squad I'm sure _Ta-sha_. You have such a _cute_ captain." I stared at her for a moment as if she were crazy, and turned my head just in time to see a faint tint of red across the captain's cheeks. _A blush?_

"Stop this foolishness and go do your work." Captain Kuchiki grumbled at Tabi, having started to walk once more. _I wonder how many times he's going to stop on our way? Where are we going anyway?_ It had just dawned on me that I didn't have a clue as to where I was headed.

"W-wait Captain!"

"_WHAT?_" I flinched slightly, and Tabi seemed to take that as her leave, trying to walk away. That was unsuccessful of course, as I grabbed her before she could go anywhere.

"W…where are we going?"

"Obviously we are going to go have a _conversation._ In a _private_ place. _Without_ that fool you have." A private conversation? I suddenly didn't like this idea. I looked down at Tabi, who was still trying to get away, and noticed something odd about her clothing.

"Hey… aren't those Shiro-chan's?" I asked, raising a brow. Tabi gave me a sheepish grin, and I knew it was true. "How in the world did you fit into his cloths? Better yet, how in the world did you convince him to give them to you?" Tabi laughed.

"We're both small, so we wear about the same size, you know? And he didn't exactly _give_ them to me……" I sighed, knowing all too well that this meant she had stripped him.

"Disgraceful….Get away from that thing." I was shocked when Captain took a hold of my arm and dragged me away from Tabi. Tabi chuckled as I got pulled farther and farther away.

"I knew you two would make a great couple!" She chimed, just before the two of us both went after her, swords drawn.

"We _AREN'T_ a couple!"

"Uhuh. _Sure _you aren't!"

"I'm going to kill you…" Unfortunately she got away, so neither of us got to. We did, however, end up at Captain Kuchiki's house. How we ended up there, I'm not entirely sure. I also have no clue as to why this strange angry red head towering over me, is angry in the first place. Captain Kuchiki had told me before he left me in this room with the weirdo, that his name was Renji. He was apparently the Lieutenant, and I was to get to know him, since I was being placed in the third seat, just barely below him._ I guess this means I'm going to be seeing a lot of this guy…_I sighed inwardly, just before a sharp rap to my head caught my attention. I placed a hand to the soft spot, looking at him in confusion.

"Hey! Who said that you could faze out? I wasn't done yelling at you!" I wasn't sure what I had done either. He just seemed mad at me.

"Ok, But why are you yelling at me?"

"Why am I yelling at you? Isn't it obvious?" I shook my head and he raped me again, drawing out a squeak. "He's thinking about placing you in _my_ job! That's why I am yelling at you damn it!"

"Well it's mean to take it out on me!" I muttered, backing away from him. It was awkward to be so close to him. _Why is everyone always standing so close to me anyway? It's not like I can't hear them a few feet away. Do I look deaf?_ His voice had begun to irritate me, just as the conversation was brought to an end by Byakuya. He was tired of it too apparently. Renji was dismissed to go mutter to himself elsewhere as Captain Kuchiki dragged me off into his house. That's when I got the most shocking news of the day. I would no longer be living in the squad housing, I would be living here. In this house. With his family. My brain, was fried.

_Author's note: Whoot! Chapter 1 is finished! Let me know what you think! Everyone's personalities may be horribly off. See ya next chapter!_


	2. How not to start a day

A Happy Crystal Heart

Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, really I don't. I do however, own Tasha. Naturally. Of course, I also don't own Tabi. She owns herself._

_Hello and welcome to chapter 2! I am happy that you have read this far and not given up on me! This chapter will be weird, as all my chapters will be. Well, enjoy!_

This morning started out on a strange note. First off, I awoke to the cold voice of my new captain, at 5 in the morning. That was a depressing thing, since I had not fallen asleep until almost 4. Knowing that I was only one room away from my Captain, who had been behaving oddly, didn't help my piece of mind any. The second thing to destroy my morning was Renji, who, unsatisfied with my quiet hello, dumped ice cold water on my head. That, for some reason, turned in my favor, as the Captain promptly scolded him for soaking his floor and banned him from the house for a week. It was both a good and a bad thing. It was good in that I wouldn't have to deal with him, but bad in the sense that I would be here alone. Not just the normal kind of alone, where you are by yourself, but where I was stuck with this crystal hearted captain of mine. He was cold, rather cruel, and didn't seem to care one way or the other.

"I wish I was back with Captain Hitsugaya." I said quietly to myself as I cleaned up the mess that Renji had made. I was so absorbed in this task that I missed the sound of footsteps behind me. Before I knew it I was leapt upon from behind, a soft, quiet voice whispering in my ear.

"Please save me!" I blinked, and looked over at the face beside mine. It was Hanataro. He looked quite stressed. I had first met Hanataro when I was doing an errand for Captain Hitsugaya. He had run into me in almost the same way, the same words escaping his lips as he clung to me. That time he was being chased by Tabi, who, instead of doing her errands, was trying to dress up Hanataro in a frilly pink salsa dress. Where she had got it from I had no idea. For some reason I got the feeling that _she_ was the reason Hanataro was now clinging to my back.

"Hana-chan! Where'd you go? I got the make up and the bow and the dress all ready for you!" The sound of Tabi's voice made Hanataro start to shake, and he clung even tighter to me.

"Hide me!" I gave him a worried look.

"Hide you where?!"

"I don't want to dress up like a girl!" Hanataro's soft whine made me feel bad for him, but I knew if she didn't catch him, she'd leap upon the nearest person. That person would be _me_. And _I_ didn't want to be dressed up in that strangely colored dress anymore then Hanataro did. I sighed and squirmed from his grip.

"Sorry Hanataro, but women first!" Hanataro started to cry, placing his hands to his face.

"But I don't want to dress up like a girl!" Tabi, who had found the two of us, gave Hanataro a wide grin. The look in her eyes was almost evil.

"But why not? Shiro-chan really liked _his_ makeover!"

"I did _NOT_!" I jumped as the voice of my previous captain reached my ears. I looked up from my spot on the floor to see Hitsugaya and Captain Kuchiki standing in the doorway. I couldn't help but gawk at the image.

"Shiro-chan….. What did you do to yourself?" I asked, curious. His hair was a vibrant green, as were his nails and Captain's robe. "Are you celebrating St. Patrick's day early?" Hitsugaya growled at me, clenching a fist.

"Don't call me that! I didn't do this to myself! _She_ did!" His voice had reached an angry growl as he pointed at Tabi. Tabi gave him a grin and turned to me, leaning on me. It was an awkward position, giving that I was on the floor and she was standing.

"Hey, Tasha-chan. Distract your Captain for me, ok?" I looked up at her in confusion just as she disappeared in a blur. I gave a soft sigh and looked over at the small angry captain, and the expressionless one beside him.

"Um, so….How was your…one hour morning, Captain Kuchiki?" I asked, giving him a half-hearted grin. It wasn't that I cared, it was just that I felt I should say something to break the overwhelming silence that had begun to build.

"It is the same as usual." Byakuya said in a monotone voice, and I made a face inwardly. Would it kill the guy to smile every once and awhile?

"_My_ morning has sucked horribly! First I wake up to see that my hair is green! And _then_ I notice that all my clothing was the exact same color!" I placed a hand to my mouth to keep from laughing. His expression was so twisted that it was funny. Byakuya looked over at him like he was crazy, since he had been speaking and apparently wasn't finished.

"Uh…. She's very good at Kidou, and… changing the color of things…."

"Yeah! I _think_ I noticed that!" Hitsugaya growled, just as Tabi walked around Byakuya and looked up at him with a grin. I cocked my head, wondering what she was looking at, when I noticed the bright pink bow in place of his kenseiken. I knew it was Tabi's doing when I saw her flash step away from the two captains. The only thing that confused me was that she was carrying an extra sword. _Oh god, don't tell me… _I was almost afraid to look at captain Kuchiki's waist, but I couldn't resist. Lo and behold, there was no sword. In its place was a sword sized pretzel, painted to look like senbonzakura. I couldn't help but laugh. My captain gave me a strange look and followed the trail of my eyes to his hair. He went wide eyed and pulled the bow from his hair.

"What the hell is this?!" He growled and I quickly tried to stifle my laughter. As I did I noticed that there was something in my pocket. I pulled it out and quickly pushed it back into my pocket, fear rising up. It was the captain's kenseiken. _That stupid prankster put those in my pocket when she leaned on me! How did I not notice that?_ I thought as there was an even angrier noise, coming from my captain.

"It was that _thing_ wasn't it?! Where is it?" I blinked.

"Thing? What thing? I don't know any things…." Byakuya gave me a very dark glower and I gulped.

"That _friend _of yours…" I placed a hand to the back of my head, a small chuckle rising from my chest.

"Oh, her…. The one who took your sword?" Byakuya paused for a moment, and looked down. The following shout broke all of the paper doors and could be heard all over the Sereitei as well as the surrounding districts.

"I'm…..going….. To _KILL_ ….her…" Captain Kuchiki said through clenched teeth. It was, oddly enough, the same moment that Ukitake walked into the room, Tabi struggling in one hand and Byakuya's sword in the other.

"Did you lose something?" He said with a grin. Byakuya took his sword into his arms and hugged it, casting a death glare at Tabi.

"_Next Time THING._" Tabi ignored him, looking up at Ukitake.

"Wow… you're cute too…. You'd look even better with blue hair!" She exclaimed, just before disappearing. Ukitake looked at his hand blankly, turning it a few times before he turned in a circle.

"How did she do that…?" He mumbled, and then noticed Hitsugaya's hair. "What happened to your _hair_?" Hitsugaya gave him an annoyed look before he answered.

"The same thing that's going to happen to you when you hair turns blue!" Ukitake's eyes went wide as he took hold of a lock of hair, sighing in relief.

"Ah, still white. That's good." Ukitake said with a soft chuckle. I was worried. Tabi was starting to target the captains, and that meant only one thing. _I_ would be taking the brunt of their anger. One such captain happened to be my own, who was now staring at me with an intense look in his eyes.

"Tasha…. Where are my kenseiken?" I felt the blood drain from my face as I griped my hakama.

"I don't know where they are Captain….." I mumbled quietly. Byakuya narrowed his eyes at me and I felt goose bumps rise up all over my skin.

"They are in your pocket aren't they?" I shook my head, pulling them from my pocket and stuffing them down the front of my hakama. Byakuya paused, giving me an odd look, as if he was contemplating something.

"Hitsugaya….Ukitake….could you leave for a moment?" Hitsugaya was sighing to himself, and I started to panic when he started to walk off.

"W…..wait Shiro-chan!"

"Don't call me that!"

"Please don't leave……" Hitsugaya raised a brow at me.

"Sorry, but there's a certain _girlfriend_ of mine that I have to find." He replied, ignoring my quiet whine as he started to walk past the confused Hanataro.

"W-wait! I know how to change your hair back to it's proper color!" Hitsugaya stopped dead in his tracks. I grinned to myself as he turned to look at me.

"Oh? Well then, I guess she can wait!" I hummed happily to myself at my success. I had managed to avoid being stuck in a room all alone with my captain. As I pulled out the supplies I would need to fix his hair I noticed that Captain Kuchiki's eyes were trained on the place I had hidden his kenseiken. It was making me so nervous that I didn't even notice that the liquid I had poured into Hitsugaya's hair had done nothing. It was when he started to complain that his head was getting cold that I looked down and realized it. _Huh… I guess she's changed the formula….What would happen if I added this?_ I picked up a bottle and poured the contents onto his head. I immediately regretted it as his hair turned a very bright pink.

"I…um…I fixed it…. Sort of….kinda…. If that's what you want to call it….." I said quietly.

"Wow Tasha-chan! That's an even better idea! I think I'll dye all of his clothing this color!" I jumped at the sound of Tabi's voice beside me, wondering how she had pulled that off. There was a strangled noise from Hitsugaya, who had pulled a lock of his hair down to see.

"Ta_sha_….!!" I flinched as he turned to glower at me. I gave him a sheepish grin and slowly backed away. Tabi seemed to realize that she was back in the same room with all of the people she had just pranked, as she started to back away just as I was.

"Uh, oh look at that! I seem to have come back to the scene of my crime…..I was hoping they would be gone by now….. I guess not. I'll be going then!" Tabi chimed, turning and racing off. Hitsugaya, who seemed to have forgotten my existence, followed after her, a very strange look on his face. The three of us left there were staring at the space she had just left.

"Wow, she's rather fast, isn't she?" Ukitake commented, placing a hand to the back of his head. I nodded. She had always been absurdly fast at everything. "Well, I have to go now. There's something I have to do. I have a 'patient' in a half-hour, and I want to be ready." I knew I was in trouble as soon as those words left his mouth. Byakuya cocked his head slightly, raising a brow.

"You mean that therapy thing that everyone conned you into?" He asked. Ukitake nodded, and I felt confused.

"You are a therapist?" I asked, trying my hardest to keep him talking. I was hoping that I could keep him here long enough for Captain Kuchiki to forget that I still had his kenseiken. Ukitake nodded, giving me a grin.

"If you ever feel frustrated, feel free to come and see me, alright?" I nodded, feeling my body tense up as Ukitake walked from the room.

"So, now for my kenseiken…." I felt the warmth drain from my face as Byakuya's voice echoed in the now empty room. _I knew putting those there was a bad idea, but I just HAD to do it, didn't I?_ I thought to myself as the soft sound of footsteps nearing me made my body tense even more. Thinking quickly I reached down the front of my clothing and pulled out the kenseiken, quickly turning and holding them up as Captain Kuchiki reached me. He seemed somewhat disappointed as he took them from me, and I realized, that perhaps he had wanted to get them himself. That thought was rather frightening.

"Can I go now…?" I nearly jumped out of my skin at the new voice, and realized that Hanataro was still in the room.

"Ah! Hanataro! Why didn't you say anything?" He gave me a small smile.

"I didn't want to ruin your captain's fun…" I gave him a glower just as Tabi walked in for the umpteenth time.

"Now, where were we, Hana-chan?" I watched in amusement as Hanataro ran from the room, crying. I kind of felt sorry for him, but I _really_ didn't want to be in his place. From only the events of this morning, I realized just how strange my life in this new squad would be. I just never thought that it would get quite as strange as what happened next.

_Author's note: _

_Tasha: Well, let's see what will happen to Tasha next, shall we? Wait, we ran out of time? Ok, then that will have to wait until next chapter. See ya there!_

_Tabi: unnnoo…I didn't know we had a set amount of time…anyway, I think I was AWESOME in this chappy. Hehe, ask Tasha, I love pranking, no one is safe!! gets dragged away by Tasha Bu….But!! I want to keep talking to them!!_


	3. Wait, why me?

A Happy Crystal Heart

Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Oh how I wish I did! I do, however, own Tasha. I don't own Tabi though, that's Hitsugaya's problem._

_Hello everyone! How have you been? This is chapter 3! Yay! I am so proud of myself! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it! _

It was a pretty afternoon. The sun was shining warmly on the lawn. I knew that something was going to screw it up, and I knew exactly what that something was. Or at least, I thought I did. I had walked into the chamber where they were holding the lieutenant meeting, because I had been ordered to by my Captain, and quickly found myself running errands. I was taking invitations to all of the captains, for some strange event that the Sotaicho was planning. This was supposed to be Hanataro's job, but for some reason they had me doing it. It wasn't so bad, since most of the captain's were nice. Except the strange captain's that were in charge of the 11th and 12th squads. I couldn't quite understand them. And they live right beside each other, so there are constant fights. I'm kind of glad that I got out of the 10th, since that was just way to close to it.

"Well, it could be worse." I mumbled to myself as I walked into Captain Ukitake's home. The scene that greeted my eyes was, to say the least, quite a shock. Ukitake was sitting on a chair, half dressed and having a strange conversation with Hanataro. _So this is where that little brat went…._ I thought to myself as I placed a hand over my eyes and knocked on the side of the doorframe, since the door seemed to be missing.

"Tasha-san? Hold on just a second." I simply nodded in the direction of his voice, not wanting to look up. There was a quiet shuffling, and a hand on my shoulder. I peeked between my fingers to see it was Ukitake, still half dressed, grinning down at me. "Did you need something? You aren't frustrated already, are you?" I slid my hand halfway down my face, covering my nose and mouth.

"Um, no, I'm not…frustrated…whatever you mean by that….and I came to give you this, since Hanataro is skipping on his duties." Ukitake looked at the folded piece of paper curiously before he took it and leaned on the frame next to me to read it. _God, he could have taken a few seconds to pull some cloths on at least!_ I thought as I shifted to the other side of the doorway. _What kind of therapy is he doing anyway?_ I was somewhat curious at this point, but was afraid to ask.

"He's a sex therapist, you know." I turned my head to look at Kira, as he walked up to me. "And he's a very good one too. He has very interesting methods." _Well that would explain the lack of clothing. That and it puts one too many ideas in my head…_

"Izuru? Did something happen with Ikaku? Do you need my services?" My eyes went wide at this comment, and I could feel my face start to heat.

"No, everything is fine. I just came to tell Hanataro that a certain someone needs to speak to him later." Ukitake gave Kira a smile, and I noticed the slight hint of a blush cross his face. _Weird…I swear._ I thought to myself as Ukitake handed the letter back to me.

"Well, if you ever need something, come and speak to me about it, alright?" Kira nodded, casting me a look as Ukitake placed a hand upon my head. "You too Tasha-san. Don't ever be afraid to come to me for advice." I gave him a halfhearted nod, sure that I wouldn't need….sex therapy, and walked out of the room. As I headed towards my Captain's home to deliver the last letter, I ran dead smack into Tabi. She paused for a moment, looking stunned, before she spoke.

"Hiya Tasha-chan! Have you seen Shiro-chan?" I nodded.

"Last time I saw him I was delivering a letter. He was in his room, I think." Tabi cocked her head.

"His room? Seriously? I never would have thought to look there…..Thanks!" I stared at Tabi blankly as she rushed off. _Why would she not think to look in his room? Do they spend that much time in her room? Ridiculous, I swear… _I gave a small sigh. At least their relationship seemed to be going well. I continued on my way to Captain Kuchiki's, and paused in front of his door. _I don't want to just walk in, I could get killed that way… or worse!_ I quietly knocked on the door, and nearly jumped as it was slammed open, an irritated looking Byakuya peering down at me.

"What?" He said calmly. It was strange how he could say something in such a calm, authoritative voice, while looking so pissed off. I shivered inwardly as I handed him the letter.

"It's from the Sotaicho. I was told to deliver it to all of the Captains." Captain Kuchiki looked down at the letter in my hand, before he turned and closed the door, not even bothering to take the letter. I blinked, feeling rather insulted. I clenched my teeth for a moment as I gathered my courage together, and barged into his room.

"Hey! What's the big…I…dea…." My voice slowly caught in my throat as I looked at the scene before me. All of his clothes…. Were a bright purple. This included his Captain's robes. "Oh…I see….that's why Tabi was walking away from here….She got you … again …" My captain cast me an angry glare, his hand clenched tightly.

"I'm going to _kill_ her. I swear on all of the stars in the universe, she's dead." I walked over and gave him a sympathetic pat on the head. Faster then my reflexes allowed, I was pulled down to the floor, and was now peering up into a pair of unfamiliar eyes. Not unfamiliar in the sense that I didn't know them, but the expression that I had never seen before. I pulled a little, trying to ease myself out from under him, but couldn't.

"Um… Captain…? I'm not sure if you realize this or not….but you have me pinned to the floor, and I can't move…" There was a soft breath in my ear and I shivered.

"Yes, I know. Just lay still for a moment." My body froze, and I looked up at the locks of hair that fell down and brushed my face. Several minutes had passed, and he still hadn't moved from his spot. I could feel my heart beat start to quicken and panic starting to build.

"C-captain…..? Are you alright?" I heard him sigh softly and he shifted his weight so that he sat back on his heels.

"Of course I'm alright." He said calmly, holding out his hand. I noticed that the look in his eyes had disappeared, and the normal cold stare was back. I felt slightly disappointed, but relieved at the same time as I handed him the letter. He sat back on his cushion, reading the letter as he did so. He raised a brow after a moment, and sighed. "Joy. Don't I just _love_ these kind of events." He muttered, tossing the letter to the floor. I gave him an annoyed look as I picked the paper up.

"You don't sound too happy about it captain…." Byakuya cocked his head at me for a moment, before a small smile crossed his lips.

"I know exactly what will make this mess bearable. You're coming with me, no 'if''s, 'an's or 'but's. Got it?" I gave my captain a confused look.

"But I…." He cast me a glower so fierce that my tongue tied itself into a knot in my mouth before I could even finish my sentence.

"You will go to the event with me whether you like it or not." I nodded obediently, then proceeded to help him attempt to fix his clothing. After that I decided not to question him anymore, no matter how little sense it made. I guess I will end up in this odd little party…. I'm kind of scared to find out what will happen…

_Author's note: _

_Tasha: That was an interesting chapter! A party, a party! That's what I want to throw! Will you join us in the party next time? You will? Great! See ya next chapter!_

_Tabi: All right everyone, I didn't seem as insane in this chapter, that's pretty nice. The sex therapist Ukitake can be explained. I wrote this story called Ukitake-Sex Therapist and Tash just couldn't get it out of her head so she had to allude to it here. If anyone wants to look it up, my name on here is Anestshia._


	4. Oh god

A Happy Crystal Heart

Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: As you know… Bleach doesn't belong to me. If you thought it did… Um… Maybe you should go outside every once and awhile…eh? _

_Hello, hi, Konnichiwa! Nice to see you again! This will be a fun chapter! I hope you like randomness, because that's what you're getting! Enjoy the chapter, ok?_

My hakama was… to say the least…. Different. It was like I was a miniature, female version of Captain Kuchiki. This didn't include the strange hair accessory that he insisted I wear. It was somewhat like his Kenseiken, only it went around my ponytail and spread out like an ivory flower. It was, admitably, quite cute. I still felt as though it didn't quite suit me. What made the moment even stranger, was the fact that I was the only one in the room who wasn't a captain. Why, you ask? That was because Captain Kuchiki dragged me to the event that the Sotaicho was throwing for the captains. He said it was to keep him from being bored… but with the way he and Ukitake were throwing back drinks said otherwise. I sighed quietly to myself, looking around the room in disdain. I spotted Hitsugaya, and a shadowed form next to him. _Please don't tell me that Tabi came with him…_I thought, cocking my head as I moved to see the figure better. It was, indeed, Tabi, and the lucky little prankster got to wear normal cloths at that! I stomped over to her in annoyance, placing my hand on my hip when I reached her.

"Tasha-chan! You look like Bya-kun if he were an adorable little cutie pie! I want to look like him too! Let me borrow your clothes! Please, please, please, please!!" Tabi was bouncing so much that I thought her head was going to fly off and hit some poor innocent soul.

"Oi, calm down. I didn't chose to dress up like this and I don't think Captain Kuchiki will be too happy if I let you borrow _anything_." Tabi pouted.

"Oh well. This is the perfect pranking ground anyway! You should help me Tasha-chan!" I made a face. If I helped her out, I would make enemies of every captain in the soul society. _That_ would _not_ be fun. If I didn't help her, she would just make my life worse by messing with my captain until he went insane and killed the closest thing to him. Knowing him, that would most likely be _me_. Tabi was looking at me expectantly, and I couldn't help but sigh out loud.

"Sorry Tabi-chan. I would avoid my boredom, but, I have something I have to do. Maybe later?" Tabi tilted her head for a moment, then shrugged.

"Ok! I'll come get you later then!" I watched her in shock as she walked off. I hadn't expected it to be so easy.

"Well, that was amazingly easy, now wasn't it?" I nodded in response to the voice, taking a moment to realize that the voice was an unfamiliar one. I looked beside me to see Captain Gin. He was one of the Captain's who followed Captain Aizen . I knew it was him because of the pictures that Captain Kuchiki had plastered to his wall. He often threw darts at them when he was bored, then made me clean it up. Gin was supposed to be in Hueco Mundo, the world of the hollows, right now. I stared at him in confusion as he gave me a grin. "Hey! Nice ta meet ya! wha'cha doin' in a Captain's party, standin' all on ya lonesome?" I wasn't sure how to answer him. Half of that was because he was leaning towards me, his face only inches from my own. The other half of it was because of the very strange grin he was giving me. It made me afraid to stand near him, much less tell him anything. He seemed to notice my apprehension, placing his hand on my head. "Aww. Now ya don have ta be 'fraid o' me. I don bite those I like. Aren't chu jus tha luckiest kitten 'ere?"

"I...suppose so..." I replied. He seemed very satisfied with this answer, as he promptly picked me up. I gave a loud squeal, causing everyone in the room to look in our direction. There were murmurs rising up from the Captains in the room, and Gin gave a small sigh.

"Aww, now look wha' cha dun did kitten. I was jus gonna kidnap ya all quiet like, but now I'mma have a bunch of uptight spoils ta deal wid. Not fun at all lil missy!" Gin said, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly. I started to squirm in his grip, much to no avail, when I was snatched out of reach and plopped straight onto the cold floor at my savior's feet. My savior was Tabi, who was grinning at me widely.

"Hiya Tasha-chan! No fair! You shouldn't get all the fun!" I gave her an annoyed look, and rolled my eyes.

"Oh, then by all means, let him kidnap _you_." Tabi laughed.

"No that's ok. I've already pulled off something amazing!" I blinked, confused, when I heard the drunken voice of my Captain.

"Ah, that _thing_ got to you too...eh?" I looked up to see what he meant, and noticed that Gin's hair had turned into snakes. He looked like a male Medusa. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. Gin looked a bit startled at first, when he noticed his hair, but gave a smile just the same.

"I think I like dis. Thank ya fer da snakes. How'd ya know?" Tabi gave him a grin as he walked over, placing a hand on my head.

"I just thought it would fit you."

"Well tha was nice o' ya. 'Ere. As a reward I'll give ya dis cookie." Tabi gave Gin a startled giggle as he pulled a peanut butter cookie from nowhere, and promptly began to eat it. "I'll see ya lat'r kitten!" I didn't know it was possible for someone to disappear the same way as Tabi, but apparently he could, as he vanished as soon as the words left his mouth.

"So why is he evil again? He makes good cookies..." I stared up at Tabi as she said that, then reached up and took a piece of the cookie. It looked safe enough. I tried it and couldn't help but agree with her.

"He does make good cookies..."

"Why, thank ya!" I jumped at the sound of Gin's voice as he suddenly appeared behind the two of us, a box in one hand and the other reaching towards me. I gave a squeal of shock as I tried to move out of his reach, but it was unsuccessful. I was swept up into his arms as he handed the box of what looked to be cookies, to Tabi. " A present fer ya." Tabi gave a happy squeak as she took the box and wandered off to a corner with it.

"C-captain Kuchiki! Help!" I cried, trying to get out of Gin's grasp. My captain just looked at me, a lethargic expression on his face. _What should I do now? Maybe if I call him something else he'll listen...? _I gulped, knowing it was either be kidnapped by this weirdo, or face the wrath of my captain later. I chose to face my captain. " B-b...Byakuya! Help...!" I was surprised at how fast he moved, snatching me away from Gin in only a second's time. Gin flinched, then shrugged.

"Oh 'ell, I'll jus have ta come an get cha another day, eh?" With those words he was gone again. I gave a small sigh of relief, looking up apprehensively at the face of the one who's chest I was against. Captain Kuchiki was giving me a very weird look, and it sent a frightened shiver down my spine.

"I-I'm sorry captain...I didn't..."

"Ka...waii... " I blinked, going quiet in my effort to apologize as this strange sentence left my captain's lips.

"What...?" What did he mean, _cute_?

"Kawaii!" I was promptly pushed to the floor, which was bad, since this was the middle of the room and everyone was now staring at the two of us. "I want to eat you... let me eat you up, you cute little bundle of sweets!" I gawked at my captain, remembering that he was drunk, but this was still quite strange even for a drunk. The sentence made no sense. Captain Kenpachi walked over and picked Captain Kuchiki up by the back of his captain's robe like a kitten. Hitsugaya started to laugh, when he noticed something and promptly dragged Tabi over to where we were.

"Hey, how come you haven't done anything to him!" Tabi stopped in mid-bite, the cookie shoved half-way in her mouth, and looked over at Kenpachi.

"That's because he's scary as hell!" He gave her a grin in response, and Tabi scrambled off, waving her hands over her head as she did.

"Dude! Teach us how you do that!" The other captain's looked at Kenpachi eagerly as he laughed.

"Nope. This is pure talent." I gave a small giggle as he helped me up, looking at my captain curiously. He had gone limp in Kenpachi's arms. I looked up at Kenpachi to give him a thankful smile, when he dropped my captain back on top of me. The impact hurt almost as much as the first time.

"Uwah... Captain, you're heavy..." I managed to mumble, looking up into my captain's eyes. He had a strange grin on his face that was making me nervous. That wasn't all that was getting to me. I kept hearing a strange noise and I really wanted to look. There was just a few problems. One, my captain was really heavy, and it was hard to move _anywhere_ with him on top of me. Two, his hands had managed to grab a hold of my face, and I couldn't turn it. Three, My brain had ceased to function. Why? My captain, the most serious man I have ever met, had me straddled on the floor and was _kissing_ me. Frankly I was too startled to do anything at all. It wasn't like it was a bad kiss. In fact... it was really warm and comforting. I was almost disappointed when he pulled away. Almost, simply for the fact that I spotted Tabi, pinned to the floor by..._Ukitake_? It seemed as if he had grabbed a hold of her as she was running away from Kenpachi. Hitsugaya was standing over the two, growling as Kenpachi made a move to pull Ukitake away. Instead of pulling him away from her, he instead made Tabi pull him even closer, squealing something about him being scary again. Ukitake seemed delighted, as he wrapped his arms around her neck.

"I didn't know you cared! How sweet!" He chimed, snuggling his head into her chest. Hitsugaya clenched a fist, looking at Ukitake with a murderous expression.

"Get off of my girl, damn you!"

"Aww, what's a small kid like you going to do?" Hitsugaya snarled, kicking Ukitake in the face. Ukitake placed a hand to the bleeding mark on his forehead as Tabi gave a cheerful giggle.

"You care that much Shiro-chan?"

"No! I just ...uh...wait..." Tabi's eyes began to water as she looked up at him.

"So... you don't care about me? How cruel!" She started to bawl, and Hitsugaya looked completely lost. Kenpachi laughed, giving Tabi a grin.

"If you come with me, I'll make sure that you never cry again." Tabi stopped crying instantly, and clung to Hitsugaya's leg, shaking her head furiously.

"No! That's ok!" I laughed to myself at the scene, and began to wonder if the situation I was in looked as strange as theirs. It was possible, as Byakuya's hands had begun to roam. I had just begun to squirm when the Sotaicho stood up and thumped the ground with a cane he had pulled from beside his chair.

"Enough! This is insane! If you are all going to cause chaos, go to your own rooms! Tabi-chan, please stop screaming every time Kenpachi smiles. Tasha-chan, please take your captain home. He's too drunk to be trusted on his own. Hitsugaya, stop trying to kill Ukitake. It won't work." The room went quiet for a few moments after the Sotaicho finished speaking, then everyone slowly started to file out of the room. Kenpachi came over and helped me get the Captain to his feet, and I started the long walk back to his house. As I walked out, I noticed Tabi, Hitsugaya and Ukitake were arguing yet again, only now Tabi was clinging to Ukitake's leg. Ukitake glomped her almost immediately, and Hitsugaya had pulled out his sword. _God, they are a bunch of imbeciles, aren't they?_ I thought, shaking my head as I walked from the room. I hoped I would never do anything that bizarre anytime soon.

_Author's note: _

_Tasha: And that's the end of the chapter! How... um... interesting, wouldn't you say? Will you stay to see what Byakuya will do tomorrow? I hope you will! It's...wait...we're out of time again? Geez...Well, see ya next chapter!_

_Tabi: OK…so….I am….insane….AGAIN! But at least I got to get glomped by Ukitake and Hitsugaya tried to save my honour (what little of it I have left) _

_Random squad member: Wait…Fourth seat Tabi, you had honour to begin with? _

_Arrrrrggggg!! My own squad members don't have any faith in me…Tasha-chan…what are you doing? gets dragged off by Tasha again _

_Tasha: We are out of time_

_No!!_


	5. I'm a what?

A Happy Crystal Heart

Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Bleach. What a drag._

_Yay! Chapter 5! Another bout of randomness awaits you! Are you ready for it? Let's hope so, because here it comes!_

I woke up in a different room then I had fallen asleep in. I wasn't sure where I was, nor who's room this was. _Ok, let's recap…I was at a party with Captain Kuchiki… and he got drunk…and I took him back to his house…we drank a little…Oh god, the Captain!_ I sat up with a sudden jolt, as I realized I was supposed to be taking care of my Captain. That's when I noticed Lieutenant Renji leaning in the doorway of the room, half-dressed, arms crossed.

"It's about time you woke up, 3rd seat. Did you enjoy your sleep?" I was frozen in my spot. When did I fall asleep in Renji's room? Better yet, when did I get here? I watched as his brow twitched in response to my confusion. "Don't tell me you don't remember, you little ass. You kicked me in my face last night and told me to move before you went and crawled in next to me!" My face heated at those words, although I didn't believe them.

"So, are you saying I traveled all the way from the Captain's manor, across three very long blocks, past 22 guards, up 6 flights of stairs and down an absurdly long hall, just to kick you in the face and crawl in your bed?" The only reason I knew how to get to the Lieutenant's room in the first place was because I often delivered reports to him.

"That's what I said." I rolled my eyes. Why would I go through so much effort just to go to sleep? And then I noticed….I was half dressed. To put it better, all I was dressed in was Renji's haori. "By the way, your clothes were pretty torn when you _attacked_ me. So I changed you into the only thing I had at the moment. If you have any objections, feel free to give me my clothes back." I quickly shook my head, hand reaching up to grip the haori. "Then, since that's settled, I'll have you get your lazy butt up and come eat breakfast." I watched Renji in confusion as he walked into the other room. He was going to feed me…? It took only a few seconds for him to poke his head through the door once more and glower at me. "Well? Come on!" I got up quickly after that, and the two of us sat down at his table to eat. It felt kind of awkward to be eating breakfast with the Lieutenant.

"Ne, Lieutenant Renji…..why do you dislike me so much?" Renji paused, mid-chew and waved his chopsticks at me.

"Why? That's because Captain Kuchiki wants to replace me with you! How can I like someone as scrawny as you being my replacement?" I tilted my head, holding out my bowl and watching as Renji automatically filled it with more rice.

"Why though? For one, I could never replace you Lieutenant. I don't have the skill. And what if they want to promote you to a Captain position? Wouldn't that be a good thing?" Renji paused once more, raising a brow at me.

"You've a good point there, 3rd seat. There's no way an unskilled warrior such as yourself could replace someone as good as me! " He chuckled to himself, and I rolled my eyes. He was quite full of himself, but at least I had managed to get on his good side. The truth was, the two of us were probably even in strength. I just didn't like to fight. At least not without a reason.

"Actually, she would probably beat the living daylights out of you, if you went head to inflated skull." I jumped, looking over at the window beside us to see Captain Kuchiki, sitting in the window, almost like a bird. Renji nearly choked on his rice, and looked at me with a glower. I gave him a sheepish smile, pretending I had no clue what the Captain was talking about. "Don't play dumb. You and your sword Akihiko nearly gave me an injury. You could do more then beat this simpleton."

"My 'shining prince' isn't exactly useful…."

"Nonsense!" Renji's expression was getting more and more annoyed, and I wished my Captain would shut up. "And speaking of simpletons, why are the two of you half-dressed?" That made both Renji and I blush, which made our Captain suspicious. It was then that Tabi chose to burst in, from the exact same window that Captain Kuchiki was sitting in. The two of them fell to the floor in a heap, and Tabi burst into a fit of giggles.

"Morning Tasha-chan! What's going on? Did you have a threesome? Tell me, tell me!" I went an even darker shade of red as Tabi bounced off of my captain and onto the table where we were eating breakfast.

"No, Tabi. I didn't have a three…some….I was discussing how I can't beat Renji in a fight…"

"What do you mean? You could _so_ beat this overgrown red pineapple in a fight!" I flinched as Renji slammed his hand down on the table, glowering at Tabi. "Dude, I could so beat you too! Her and I are both 79th district street fighters. " Renji sneered at this.

"Oh yeah? I'll take ya on!" My eyes went wide at this as the two of them picked up their swords and stood. _Crap! She's going to kill him!_ The Captain had just sat up, and didn't quite see what was wrong with the situation, so I reacted. I quickly grabbed Tabi, pushing her backwards.

"Uh, no! No need! I'll fight him Tabi!" Tabi gave me a sad expression.

"But…Tasha-chan… you're just as strong as I am…"

"I'll fight him!"

"Ok, but only if you spar with me." I gave a heavy sigh, knowing where this was going. Let my Lieutenant die…. Or spar with Tabi, my equal in strength, but superior in speed and skill. It wasn't exactly a choice, come to think of it.

"Ok, I'll spar with you." The words were reluctant. _Very_ reluctant.

"Yosh!" Tabi cheered, looking triumphant. I wasn't particularly happy about it.

"You two can fight?" I looked up from my sword to see Captain Zaraki Kenpachi looming over me. Tabi and I had just finished a sparring session, and the Captain had seen the whole thing. "Wasn't that 79th street fighting? I want to spar with you too…" It only took a few seconds, but as soon as Tabi noticed Kenpachi, she was up, screaming and running as fast as she could in the opposite direction. Kenpachi looked disappointed, and I gave him a reassuring smile.

"I'm sorry, Kenpachi-san. She'll do that every time she sees you. I'm not sure why though." I truly had no clue as to why she was afraid of Kenpachi.

"I just wanted to spar with her…." Kenpachi mumbled, still looking disappointed.

"I know… Hey, I did hear she thought you were pretty cute with your hair down… that might help a bit." I noticed a glint in Kenpachi's eyes as he gave me a smile, walking off as if he had forgotten his desire to spar. This couldn't be good. That was when the hell butterfly appeared. Apparently I was summoned to a meeting, with the Sotaicho.

* * *

I arrived rather early, to see Tabi arguing with her sword. It was quite a regular occurrence, since her sword was actually a double blade. The two personalities of the blades were always chattering away in her head, making for many an entertaining evening. I sighed and walked over to her, waving at the Sotaicho on my way. He gave me a smile, just as the Captains slowly started to file into the room. I wasn't sure exactly why Tabi and I had been summoned to this Captain's meeting, but it had to be something interesting. Once everyone was in their proper seat, the Sotaicho began to speak. I was wondering why everyone was staring at the Sotaicho so strangely, so I glanced at him myself. He was stroking his beard, which was now a multitude of colors. Tabi had actually managed to dye the Sotaicho's beard _rainbow_ colored.

"Excuse me, Sotaicho, but…your beard….." The Sotaicho paused as someone spoke up, and looked down at his beard. He didn't seem surprised at all.

"Ah, what a pretty color. Here I thought it would stay white. Did you do this, Tabi-chan?" Tabi giggled and nodded. "What a nice girl…giving me such a great present… Anyway, I would like to announce the two remaining Captain's positions will be filled today. First, the new Captain of the 9th squad will be my granddaughter, Tabi. The new Captain of the 5th squad will be my other granddaughter, Tasha." Two of the Captains choked, and I knew exactly which ones. Hitsugaya and Captain Kuchiki.

"Grandchildren? Captains? But they don't even have Bankai!!" Captain Kuchiki objected, looking forlorn. I had a feeling he was objecting for a different reason, but I wasn't going to bring that up. Hitsugaya was muttering to himself, something along the lines of "He doesn't know about me…" over and over again. The Sotaicho simply laughed, and looked to Hitsugaya.

"Hitsugaya, I knew about you before _you_ even knew about you." This comment threw the young Captain for a loop, and I sighed, placing my hand to my head. "As for the subject of Bankai, both of them have achieved it, so don't worry. You'll be safe in their hands…. Sort of." How the Sotaicho could be so calm, even joking, when he had just assigned the fate of Shuuhei and the entire 9th squad to Tabi?

"Ne, Grandpa? Doesn't Tabi _like_ Lieutenant Shuuhei?" The Sotaicho grinned as I heard a growl erupt from Hitsugaya.

"He is _SO_ dead!" He snarled, and stormed out of the meeting hall. The Sotaicho dismissed the meeting, quite amused with himself. I didn't _want_ to be a Captain. I didn't _need _to be a Captain. And, come to think of it, I hadn't even taken the Captain's exam. How the hell did I end up a Captain in the first place? This wasn't looking too good. What was that deranged adopted grandfather of mine plotting? Tabi came up behind me, giggling to herself strangely. I raised a brow and she turned to me.

"Ne, Tasha-chan… This is gonna be fun!" We were doomed… weren't we?

_Author's note: _

_Tasha: Quite a scrambled chapter. The next one will be a little more organized, I promise! By the way, the next chapter will contain a sex scene, so if you don't like those, feel free to skip it. You know, it only leads along to the rest of the storyline. No worries! Anyway…what? We are canceled…? Oh, what a mean joke Shiro-chan! Anyway, we're out of time. See ya next chapter! Maybe…_

_Tabi: giggles hehe, we're Captains. (huggles Toushirou to stop him from chopping off Tasha's head) I know it may seem confusing as far as the reason that we became Captains, don't worry, it's not just because he's our grandfather. There are…other reasons. It has nothing to do with my pranks, no no, nothing do with pranks. _

_Tasha: Yes it does!! Everything to do with your pranks, this your fault!_

_Tabi: (Drags Tasha away )Itaii Tash, stop kicking me, we're out of time. disappears with Tash flailing under her arm. _

_Thank you so much our loyal viewers, make sure to stick around for the next installment!_


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